The arches of Newport Coast: Big and bloated and serving no purpose whatsoever. Click here for scale.
Nothing heralds the end of a civilization better than some heavy-duty architectural pomposity. And in Orange County, Calif., where architecture marries the best traits of Vegas, with lots of Disney and a heavy dose of Caligula, there is no shortage of structures that say, The End is Near. Specifically, there are a whole lotta Roman-style arches, built in dimensions so mammoth, they can be appreciated from the cockpit of a Lincoln Navigator at speeds of 60 mph. In most cases, these monuments serve no function whatsoever, other than to let the citizenry know: “You are part of a civilization that is very important. At least for a few more minutes.”
After the jump, a tour of the biggest and the baddest.
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On a side note of sublime ridiculosity:
In shooting this story, I was stopped by a security guard at an outdoor mall called the Irvine Spectrum (a place my friend Josh likes to refer to as the Irvine Rectum), who told me that I wasn’t allowed to take pictures of the buildings because the architecture was “copyrighted.” He even radioed his base to let his cohorts know that he had stopped “a single female” with a camera. For reals.
Calling all units. There’s a C-Monster on the premises.
I tried to explain to him that taking pictures didn’t violate the buildings’ copyright. I told him that I covered architecture for a living. I even tried to explain to him that the buildings in question are actually a total rip-off of Roman and Moorish architectural styles and that there are probably a whole buncha Mediterranean master builders rolling around in their graves somewhere. But he wouldn’t have any of it. He just told me that his bosses (that would be the Irvine Company, purveyors of crap-ass urban planning) are very sensitive about having the architecture photographed and that I wouldn’t be allowed to take pictures of the buildings.
So, if you’re reading this post from somewhere in China, here’s a copy of the Irvine Rectum floor plan. Please get started on an exact replica as soon as you can.
Click on images to supersize. More after the jump.
Roman arches with a Moroccan souk flair. These are the top secret architectural details that the Irvine Company doesn’t want you to see. Note the security guard determinedly approaching at left. (More photos of the mall’s really bad architecture: the Chipotle Mexican Grill, the valet area by Dave & Buster’s, Wahoo’s Fish Tacos, Target, and the parking structure. You can also see a few more images on the mall’s public relations page, and, if you’re really curious, there are lots o’ pictures of the place on Flickr. This one has arches.)
At the Coronado Pointe subdivision. Because ‘Point’ is much classier when you add an ‘e.’
Roman Aqueduct 2.0: Rather than transporting water to the people, this little baby transports Bentleys to a Newport Beach golf club.
Coulda used more arches: A fine example of Roman-style architecture, Orange County style, a school that overlaps with the movement known as narchitecture.
And let’s not forget the car wash. Gotta keep the H3 shiny.
Related: The O.C. isn’t the only place that’s into triumphal arches. Atlanta has one of its own. But nobody likes it.
Posted by C-Monster.
Hell ya! Stick it to the douche-bags!
C,
When those Costco paintings dream of dying and going to heaven, I’m sure this is what they have in mind.
upstart
I wish the man with the big arms had a little more brain and the brains behind it all didn’t use their arms so easily. Kudos for your post, C-Monster.
there’s nothing ironic about orange county, which is a shame…
what are those newport arches for?
they serve no purpose other than decorative
That was hilarious! What’s a narchitect? A narcissistic architect?
architecture that looks as if it was designed by drug traffickers